Tuesday, April 04, 2006

When David Caruso Speaks...People...

It is my observation that people who watch crime dramas on TV tend to fall into two groups: The "Law and Order" group and the "CSI" group. I have always been a "Law and Order" fan with the general rule that if I do not see the crime I do not watch the rest of the show. I also tend to fall asleep before the final verdict is read. Lately, the sperm donor and I have been watching "CSI Miami" because we're both too lazy to see if anything good is on television on Mondays at 9 pm. This has really created amusement for us both because of David Caruso, who plays Horatio. I think Horatio is one of the main detectives for the CSI group; I don't know for sure because I generally quit paying attention after Horatio delivers his tone-setting line, which sets the theme for the entire show. Here is how you apparently set a tone for a certain situation:

1. Horatio always goes directly to a crime scene, where he is more often than not met by a hot female detective. So make sure you are always met by a hot member of the opposite sex when you arrive at your dramatic destination.
2. Make some astute observations about the situation. Always ask the hot member of the opposite sex for his or her opinion.
3. Before you state your tone-setting line, put on your sunglasses. This is essential. It doesn't matter if it is day or night. This draws attention to yourself, makes people listen.
4. Always pause mid-sentence for dramatic effect. If you are David Caruso as Horatio, you would say things like "This is what happens...when worlds collide" or "A dead body...can have that effect on you" or "In Miami...there is a new breed of criminal." If you're just you, try "The highway...is covered with cantaloupes" (sorry - local news story) or "I would like...pasta for dinner." You attract attention by putting on the sunglasses, you keep it with the dramatic pause.

The sperm donor and I await this line with great anticipation. Then break down in horrendous laughter and rewind it over and over on our DVR. Try it. I wish someone would develop a web site of David Caruso voice clips; maybe that's my next calling.

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